Top 210 Songs of the Decade 90-61

90. The Season - Where You Are (don't know anything about this band, other than the fact that this song popped up on the free downloads section of the iLike sidebar that is connected to my iTunes...and it's good)
89. Seether - Rise Above This (a great modern rock song from the past couple years)
88. Vertical Horizon - I'm Still Here
87. Juliana Hatfield - Cry in the Dark (a very overlooked singer-songwriter)
86. Jude Cole - Raining on the Moon (see comments at #132)
85. Helloween - We Damn the Night
84. Disturbed - Inside the Fire (modern rock)
83. Live - Sweet Release
82. The Damnwells - I Am a Leaver (favorite song from this Brooklyn band)
81. Sugar Ray - Answer the Phone (not one of their bigger hits, but in my opinion, the best single they've released)
80. Staind - Outside (modern rock)
79. Disturbed - Liberate
78. The Smithereens - She's Got a Way (this band's best work was done in the 80's and 90's, with this one exception)
77. Snow Patrol - Spitting Games
76. Def Leppard - Four Letter Word
75. Marilyn Manson - Personal Jesus (great remake of the Depeche Mode hit)
74. Icehouse - Lay Your Hands on Me (one of my favorite 80's bands who unfortunately has not released an album of original material in quite a long time - but this was the one new track on their remix CD from a few years ago...please come back, Icehouse!)
73. Theory of a Deadman - Since You've Been Gone (modern rock)
72. Lifehouse - Breathing
71. On - Slingshot
70. Dokken - Sunless Days
69. Pat Monahan - Her Eyes (amazing pop tune from the lead singer of Train - just saw them live for the first time, and dang that boy can sayyng!)
68. The Donnas - Take It Off (for some odd reason, I remember exactly where I was when I first heard this song - I was in the car pulling into the parking lot of Palace Station Casino during one of my pre-move Las Vegas trips...I remember thinking wow, who is this...they rock)
67. Angie Aparo - Rocket Man (again, one of my favorite singer-songwriters ever...completely transforms this Elton John classic...incredibly, it's not the best remake he's ever done...stay tuned for that entry later on down the list)
66. Owsley - Rise
65. Gin Blossoms - Learning the Hard Way (I often continue to follow artists long after their commercial success has burned out...and that's why I get to enjoy gems like this pop/rock should-have-been classic)
64. The Exies - Ugly (this was a pretty big modern rock hit, but I still think this band has been largely overlooked)
63. Johnny Cash - Hurt (in one of the most blatant departures from my typical taste in music, I had to include this Cash cover of the Nine Inch Nails hit - funny, since I don't like either Johnny Cash OR Nine Inch Nails very much...this one just worked...and even Rolling Stone agreed with me on this one!)
62. Kelly Clarkson - Behind Those Hazel Eyes (I've slid slightly off the Kelly bandwagon with the last two albums, but her first two had some awesome pop songs...this being one of them. I still hold out hope that she may be my future wife.)
61. Marilyn Manson - The Fight Song (just as a side note, the Manson tune, "Coma White" may very well have made my Top 20, if not for the fact that they never released it as a single...so this is my top entry from Brian Warner and co.)

Stay tuned...

Top 210 Songs of the Decade 120-91

Bored yet?

120. Cold - Suffocate (modern rock)
119. Collapsis - Radio Friendly Girlfriend (lead singer, Mike Garrigan appears on this list solo as well)
118. Collective Soul - How Do You Love
117. Nina Gordon - Now I Can Die
116. Black Lab - Without You (modern rock)
115. Glen Phillips - Always Returning (co-written with The Rembrandts' Danny Wilde)
114. Guster - Amsterdam (guitar pop band from Boston)
113. Gin Blossoms - Long Time Gone
112. The Offspring - Can't Repeat
111. Live - OVercome
110. 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
109. Mike Garrigan - Sigourney Weaver
108. Guster - Satellite
107. Mika - Erase (standout track from flamboyant, broadway-esque, pop singer)
106. Halestorm - I Get Off (rock chick, Lzzy Hale's amazing vocals drive this modern rock band)
105. Better Than Ezra - Absolutely Still (Better Than Ezra hit #1 on the college charts this week - at #2...Ezra - har har har)
104. Bon Jovi - (You Want to) Make a Memory
103. Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine
102. Saliva - Survival of the Sickest
101. Gin Blossoms - Someday Soon
100. Collective Soul - Counting the Days
99. Vertical Horizon - When You Cry
98. Def Leppard - Long, Long Way to Go
97. Snow Patrol - Run
96. Alanis Morissette - Underneath
95. Candlebox - Stand (great comeback single from 90's modern rock band)
94. Tyrone Wells - In Between the Lines (pop/rock singer-songwriter with an amazing voice - check out his album, Remain)
93. Mark Kano - Walking on Broadway (lead singer of Athenaeum, sometimes singing partner of Mike Garrigan)
92. The Damnwells - 55 Pictures
91. Ken Andrews - Up or Down (lead singer of 90's modern rock band, Failure, and current bands On, and Year of the Rabbit - musical offspring of Beck and Weezer?)

Top 210 Songs of the Decade 150-121

Was in NY for a week, so this section of the list is a little late. The next one will follow on Sunday as scheduled. Check out the song clips (over there ----->) to sample exactly what my crazy taste in music is like.

150. Hinder - Get Stoned (Lips of an Angel was their big, sappy radio hit, but this rocker is 100 times better)
149. Theory of a Deadman - Invisible Man (modern rock)
148. Helloween - I Live For Your Pain (the 80's hair band that never broke through)
147. Fuel - Hemorrhage (In My Hands)
146. Glen Phillips - Thankful (lowest of 5 on my list from the Toad the Wet Sprocket frontman)
145. Gas Giants - Quitter (half of the Gin Blossoms in a side project during GB's hiatus)
144. Athenaeum - Comfort (the band that should have been huge in the late 90's but weren't)
143. Lifehouse - Blind
142. U2 - Walk On
141. Owsley - Be With You
140. Staind - For You (one of the best from Staind - a rocker amongst mostly syrupy radio ballad hits)
139. Collapsis - Automatic (one of the best singer-songwriters out there, Mike Garrigan, fronts this late 90's/early 00's band and lands all over my countdown)
138. Evan & Jaron - Crazy For This Girl (come on, you remember this one)
137. Skillet - Say Goodbye (great ballad from a Christian rock band)
136. Live - Mystery (the lowest of 5 from one of the most underappreciated rock bands of the past two decades)
135. Roland Orzabal - Dandelion (lead singer of Tears for Fears - little known solo album had some great songs)
134. The Bangles - Something That You Said (yes, they made music in the 00's)
133. The Veronicas - When It All Falls Apart
132. Jude Cole - Inhale (great singer-songwriter, now best known for helping launch the career of the band, Lifehouse)
131. Live - The River
130. Mike Garrigan - She Alone
129. Disturbed - Stricken (modern rock)
128. Revis - Seven (the modern rock band that should have been huge, but instead broke up)
127. Kip Winger - Where Will You Go (no laughing)
126. Evanescence - Call Me When I'm Sober
125. Rev Theory - Hell Yeah (great modern rock band)
124. Foo Fighters - Long Road to Ruin
123. Dan Wilson - I Can't Hold You (amazing singer-songwriter, former lead singer of Semisonic (remember "Closing Time"?))
122. Keane - Crystal Ball
121. The Living Things - Let it Rain (one of the few songs on the chart from 2009)

Stay tuned for more on Sunday...

Top 210 Songs of the Decade 180-151

OK, time for the next 30 songs on my Top 210 countdown. There are actually 11 songs here that got some measure of airplay, and some other names that might be recognizable to people other than me. For some of the more obscure ones, I added some info.

180. Liz Phair - Extraordinary
179. Better Than Ezra - Lifetime
178. The Donnas - Who Invited You
177. Suzie McNeil - Believe (contestant on Rock Star: INXS)
176. Iron Maiden - The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg (80's hard rock)
175. The Damnwells - Accidental Man (modern rock band from Brooklyn, NY)
174. Gamma Ray - Lake of Tears (offshoot of 80's hard rock band, Helloween)
173. Papa Roach - Getting Away With Murder
172. Seventh Day Slumber - Caroline (Christian rock band)
171. Avril Lavigne - Runaway
170. Fountains of Wayne - Someone to Love
169. Iron Maiden - The Wicker Man (80's hard rock)
168. Stryper - Rain (80's Christian hard rock)
167. Lapdog - See You Again (offshoot of Toad the Wet Sprocket)
166. Vertical Horizon - Forever
165. Boston - You Gave Up on Love
164. Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American (modern rock)
163. The Exies - My Goddess (modern rock)
162. Avril Lavigne - Sk8r Boi
161. Train - Cab
160. Alice Cooper - Triggerman
159. Trust Company - Stronger (modern rock)
158. Puddle of Mudd - Psycho
157. Seventh Day Slumber - Caroline (Christian rock band)
156. On - Revolution (one of several bands fronted by Ken Andrews, who appears solo later on..like a cross between Beck and Weezer)
155. The Nadas - Life Becomes Me (modern folky rock)
154. Stryper - Make You Mine (80's Christian hard rock)
153. Pet Shop Boys - Minimal
152. Josh Groban - You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)
151. Will Owsley - Psycho (not the same song as Puddle of Mudd - great pop/rock singer who hasn't released too much, but has played with Amy Grant and Shania Twain)

More to come next week...

Top 210 Songs of the Decade

Well, it's that time again folks....when everyone makes their lists of top crap of the decade. OK, well maybe not everyone. And yeah, there is that stuff about the decade actually starting with '01, but screw that. Here, in this post, is the tail end of my 210 songs of the 00's. Why 210? For starters, this is an amount that sufficiently illustrates what a gigantic nerd I am. Secondly, there are 7 Sundays remaining in the 00's, and 210 is evenly divisible by 7 (wow, he knows music AND math). So, starting now, I will post 30 songs each week until this exercise in torturing your eyes and your minds is finally over. When it's all done, you will have learned absolutely nothing, except that I have incredibly weird, random, and sometimes obscure taste in music. And likely, how little you care.

A few notes about my "countdown." First, it's awesome. I don't care what other Top of the Decade lists are out there...mine is the best. Secondly, I pretty much stuck to songs that were commercially released as singles to radio or appeared on film or TV. Because of my obscure tastes, some of my favorite artists don't technically release singles, so I just chose the songs I wanted...because I can do that. I made a few exceptions and included songs that were not singles even if the act released singles...because I can do that too. Also, I'm refraining from commenting on the songs...it's just a list...otherwise we'd be here forever.

Number of songs from this year that appear on the list: 6.
Act with the most entries on the list: Live and Glen Phillips (tie), 5 each.
Artist with most overall appearances on the list: Mike Garrigan (4 solo, 4 as singer of Collapsis, 1 as member of Athenaeum).
Number of cover songs on the list: 9.
Only song that appears as both an original and a cover: "Run" by Snow Patrol (original) and Leona Lewis (cover).
Number of entries from American Idol contestants: 5.

I'm sure I could come up with more stats, but I'm tired. So here we go. #210-#181...

210. Iron Maiden - Different World
209. Phil Wickham - Grace
208. Marjorie Fair - Empty Room
207. The Tories - Time For You
206. Linkin Park - In the End
205. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
204. Soul Asylum - Stand Up and Be Strong
203. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me
202. Crowded House - Don't Stop Now
201. Cold - Stupid Girl
200. Snow Patrol - Hands Open
199. The Veronicas - Everything I'm Not
198. Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
197. Josh Rouse - Directions
196. Enuff Z'Nuff - Sanibel Island
195. Eve 6 - Here's to the Night
194. Suzie McNeil - Broken & Beautiful
193. Trust Company - Downfall
192. Midnight Oil - Say Your Prayers
191. Fountains of Wayne - Maureen
190. Better Than Ezra - Our Last Night
189. I Nine - Seven Days of Lonely
188. Daughtry - Home
187. Edwin McCain - The Kiss
186. Seether - The Gift
185. Curt Kirkwood - Beautiful Weapon
184. The Offspring - Can't Get My Head Around You
183. Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body
182. Dishwalla - Above the Wreckage
181. Fountains of Wayne - Stacy's Mom

Stay tuned for more next week...I know you're excited.

Movies of the Decade

The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory. Here, I will list my Top 20 favorite films of the 2000's (my apologies to the ones that have not yet been released this year...tough break). Just some notes - the absolute worst year for movies this decade was the first one, 2000. Best film that year was Meet the Parents, but that doesn't quite make it into the Top 20. 2003 wasn't much better...can't even decide my favorite for that year (not in a good way). The two best years...2006 far and away had the strongest Top 5 films - the only year in which the Top 5 all made it into the master list, including my overall #1...and 2007, which far and away had the greatest output of above-average movies in theaters, but they were all more evenly matched with one another than those of '06. So, here's the Top 20:

20. The Class - One of two foreign films on my list. Normally, the subtitle thing annoys me, and I wouldn't consider myself the most cultured person, but this was a really compelling (and true) faux-documentary about the trials and tribulations of students at an inner-city Paris school, and one teacher's methods of dealing with them.

19. Last King of Scotland - The lowest in my Top 5 of the great year of 2006, but still shows off amazing performances by both Forest Whitaker as the ruthless dictator, Idi Amin, and James McAvoy as Amin's personal physician.

18. The Invention of Lying - The most recent movie on this list. Just saw it a couple days ago. It could have been even better and funnier than it was, but the originality of the script by Ricky Gervais still pushes this into my Top 20 of the decade. The devoutly religious among us likely will not appreciate the overtly atheistic undertones of the story, but it's satire, folks.

17. Tropic Thunder - An outrageous performance by Robert Downey, Jr., and a hilarious cameo by Tom Cruise are the highlights of this film within a film. Downey playing a white guy playing a black guy. Enough said.

16. The Dark Knight - No, I wasn't really all that blown away by Heath Ledger, and didn't buy into the hype. Plus, the ending didn't satisfy me so much. But still, the non-stop action and tight performances from Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman, made it my third favorite from last year.

14 (tie). The Sea Inside/I Am Sam - Every "best of" list worth its salt contains at least two ties. So here is the first of two on my list. These films have something in common - they were elevated by phenomenal individual acting performances. Without Javier Bardem's turn as a quadriplegic who fights for his right to die, this movie, the second foreign film on my list, may not have been all that. I Am Sam was a cheesey, and sometimes cliche-ridden film, but the out-of-this-world performance by Dakota Fanning, given she was 6 YEARS OLD when they shot this, might be the most incredible display of acting of the decade. The fact that she was not even nominated for a Golden Globe or an Oscar is unforgivable. This girl WILL win the big prize one day.

13. One-Hour Photo - Robin Williams is one of the most versatile actors of our generation. Unfortunately, he's wasted precious time on schlock like Flubber, Toys, and Patch Adams. However, it seems like at least once a decade he takes a role and nails it to the wall. Good Morning Vietnam in the 80's, Awakenings in the 90's, and his turn here as a maniacal photo lab employee is his good deed for the 00's. Maybe now that we're almost in the 10's, it won't be that much longer until he wins his next Oscar.

12. The Kingdom - A team of FBI agents travel to Saudi Arabia to avenge and solve the murder of their friend and colleague in a terrorist bombing...blah blah blah. I can't really do this one justice by describing the plot in two sentences. Amazing cast, great action, and what I always love...a movie that knows how to end appropriately. Unfortunately, the whole war in the Middle East thing hasn't had much luck at the box office, but this one is most definitely worth a rental.

11. Blood Diamond - This film has the distinction of being the only one on this list that I was never intending on seeing. Leonardo DiCaprio? An expose on the corruption surrounding the diamond trade? Wasn't really interested. A friend and I just happened to make an unplanned trip to the theater, and this just happened to be the next movie playing. Good move. A stunning and emotional script, great visual backdrop, and a gut-wrenching performance by Djimon Hounsou. Most people thought it was an upset because Alan Arkin beat out Eddie Murphy for Best Supporting Actor at the 2007 Oscars, but the real upset was Hounsou losing.

10. Deja Vu (Sorry I don't know how to make those little accent thingies) - This movie came and went, and shockingly, I had never even HEARD OF IT, much less seen it. I'm usually in the know about even the most obscure films, so when I stumbled across this gem on cable, I was surprised, quite pleasantly. Director Tony Scott and Denzel Washington have teamed up several times, but never with better results than this sci-fi/government thriller. Now things always get a little hairy when you deal with time travel, but they put a new twist on it here, and it works brilliantly. Val Kilmer hasn't exactly racked up the amazing films throughout his career, but oddly enough, this is not his last appearance on my list...

9. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - ...that honor goes to this grossly overlooked film. Shane Black may have gotten $4 million for writing the awful Geena Davis vehicle, The Long Kiss Goodnight, but this is clearly his masterpiece. A sharp, witty script, pairing the top-notch performances of Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr., in a film that's part comedy, part crime story. Original, entertaining, and criminally under-distributed - making barely over $4 million at the box office. On principle, Shane Black should have been forced to turn over the dough he made from The Long Kiss Goodnight, just so this vastly superior film could have doubled its rake.

8. Doubt - I snuck into this one (shhhhh), so I can't say it was worth my money, but the theater did charge me full price for what should have been a matinee ticket, so we'll call it a wash. Stunningly, this film only won 1 out of 15 awards for which it was nominated amongst the Oscars, Golden Globes and SAG Awards (Meryl Streep got the SAG for Lead Actress). This is one of Philip Seymour Hoffman's strongest performances, and that is saying something, considering he may be the younger generation's DeNiro. Watching him and Streep go at it for two hours is worth the price of...er...well, you know what I mean.

7. Talk to Me - If Philip Seymour Hoffman is the younger generation's DeNiro, Don Cheadle may be a very close second. If only he could score more leading roles. The first half of this film had me on the way to thinking that it might just end up in my Top 3 of the decade. Cheadle comes out with six guns blazing as the outrageous ex-con turned DJ, Petey Greene. Chiwetel Ejiofor does a great job as the straight man as well. But somewhere in the middle of the story, it morphs from a historical comedy into a sappy social commentary and a depressing look at Greene's fall from grace. The shift isn't anywhere near dramatic enough to ruin the experience, but it does prevent Talk to Me from charting higher on my list.

6. Waitress - Every good list has to feature at least one guilty pleasure, so here's mine. Felicity's Keri Russell stars as a small-town waitress stuck in an unhappy marriage and a going nowhere life, who is, naturally, dreaming of bigger things. A "chick flick" at first glance, but it's really a lot more than that. It's funny, charming, and emotionally gratifying. The standout performance here is from Jeremy Sisto (also great in the prematurely canceled 2006 TV series, Kidnapped) as the waitress' abusive husband. TV icon, Andy Griffith also adds great spirit to the ensemble. I really thought this film would ride the sympathy card to the Oscars, as Adrienne Shelley, who wrote, directed, and co-starred was senselessly murdered in her apartment before its release. I highly doubt making my list is any consolation, but I guess it's better than nothing. Just try watching this one without singing the "Gonna Bake a Pie" song repeatedly when it's over. The only bad thing about this film is, it was so good, that I was inclined to give Russell another go-round by seeing the abysmal August Rush.

5. The Wackness - Sir Ben Kingsley as a dope-smoking shrink. Sir Ben Kingsley having a love scene with Mary-Kate Olsen. Sir Ben Kingsley being nominated for a Razzie (the anti-Oscars) for Worst Supporting Actor. Sounds great so far, right? Well, the title is certainly appropriate, as the shrink forms a bizarre friendship with one of his patients (also his pot provider), and various familial dysfunctions abound. For me, as someone who graduated high school in 1992, the performance by Josh Peck as the above-mentioned dealer and soon-to-be college student, is pitch-perfect. He plays the role with equal parts awkward faux-confidence, trying to impress a girl, and true heart, just trying to find his way out of adolescence, into the real world. Not a single false note in this one.

3 (tie). Memento/The Lookout - The proverbial second tie on the list. We're getting into serious cinematic territory here. If you haven't seen these Top 4 films yet, go do it. One of the common threads between these two is, they both do that Tarantino-esque thing where the plot doesn't necessarily have a nice, neat order to it, and you don't always know what's going on. In fact, Memento was renowned for featuring a storyline that actually unfolded BACKWARDS. Guy Pearce and Joe Pantoliano are riveting here, while Christopher Nolan began what would be, for me, and up-and-down writing and directing career, featuring the awesome (this and The Dark Knight), good (Batman Begins), disappointing (Insomnia), and utterly unwatchable (The Prestige). Meanwhile, The Lookout features stars of 3rd Rock From the Sun, Dumb and Dumber, and Pauly Shore's Son-in-Law, plus Borat's fiancee. Recipe for an amazing film? Apparently so. 3rd Rock's Joseph Gordon-Leavitt is spot on as a young man whose life is forever altered by a devastating car accident, which leaves him unable to retain things in his memory for extended amounts of time, forcing him to get through the days with guidance from his own written instructions - yet another commonality with Memento, whose main character is afflicted with similar short-term memory loss. Gordon-Leavitt's character subsequently gets tangled up in a bank robbery plot. No synopsis could do either of these films justice though, so just take my word for it and see them. Unless you have no short-term memory...then there's kind of no point.

2. The Departed - Depending on which year my #1 film would have been eligible in if anyone had considered it for any awards, I'm inclined to say that in 2007, for one of the only times I can think of, the Oscars actually got the Best Picture winner right. Dead on. This one is a tour-de-force...mainly because every "best of" list about film is required to use that term at some point. Everyone involved nails this one to the wall...from Scorsese to Nicholson to Matt Damon to Alec Baldwin to Mark Wahlberg...hell, even Leo again. Drama, thrills, violence, comic relief, amazing script. Everything a classic movie should have is found here. My one gripe was that the last 1/4 of the film goes a little overboard on the violence, gratuitously and just plain silly at some points. However, the payoff of the very final scene pretty much renders the slight misstep forgiven.

1. Hard Candy - Regardless of whether you consider this a 2005 film, which is when it was featured at the Sundance Film Festival, or a 2006 picture, which is when it actually hit movie screens, it was the cinematic achievement of the year...and the decade. A pre-Juno Ellen Page should have won a Lead Actress Oscar, hands down. Patrick Wilson should have won for Supporting Actor. The script should have won. But, the film was largely ignored. Page's performance here as a young teen who is seduced online by a much older man, and subsequently lured to his apartment, is simply off the charts. The dialogue is biting, sarcastic, and funny, but this is no comedy. On the contrary, the drama jumps off the screen at some points, climaxing with one of the most brutally in-your-face endings I can ever remember seeing on film. It's an imperfect ending, in the sense that it doesn't tie everything up in a nice, neat bow. But it's perfectly imperfect. As a moviegoer, my absolute pet peeve is when Hollywood screenwriters don't know how to wrap up a story and end the damn film. It happens probably 80% of the time. So it's only appropriate that my #1 movie of the 2000's sticks the landing with a perfect 10. Just wow.

Some New Holidays

In honor of the useless and completely misguided celebration of Columbus Day, I've decided to create some new holidays to give us more excuses to take off from work, school or whatever other possible productivity might be getting in the way of our slacking off. I mean, I'm all for extra days off, but they should at least have some meaning.

Mr. Columbus, it turns out, really didn't do jack shit...or as they would have said in 15th century Italy, where he was born..."jackiti shitore" (with the little accent thingy above the e). A few reasons why Columbus Day is a farce:

A) My little Italian brother didn't discover anything. To discover, means to find something previously unseen or unknown. Tell me exactly...how in the Santa Maria can you discover someplace when there are ALREADY FUCKING PEOPLE THERE?
B) He never landed in what we now call the United States. He "discovered" the Caribbean. A milestone achievement if you ask the founders of Carnival Cruise Lines, I'm sure.
C) The dude didn't even know what the fuck he was "discovering." Someone shouted "Land, ho!" and the old Chris-a-nator is like, "Oh cool...Asia!" Yeah masterful orienteering skills there, amico. Legend has it that Columbus died before he could sail to his next door neighbor's kids' snow fort and claim to have discovered Antarctica.
D) Sailor Man was responsible for enslaving and murdering MILLIONS of natives in the areas he explored. Kind of convenient when you're claiming to have discovered a new land to have all the people who already lived there be DEAD. This guy was clearly always thinking ahead.

So we're basically celebrating someone being a disoriented, lying, evil douchebag. Yeah that screams national holiday. So, back to my original thought...here are some new holidays I would like to propose:

National Fart Observance Day - Of course millions of guys nationwide already celebrate this...they call it, "Sunday." But we may as well consecrate the tradition of sitting around watching sports, drinking beer and scratching ourselves while we let out our clarion calls of joy and relief. Plus, if we "observe" the occasion on Monday like we ingeniously do with all holidays, we get a deserved extra day off.

Hootie Day - 90's rock pioneers (in the same sense that Columbus was a pioneer) Hootie and the Blowfish just never got their deserved respect. Las Vegas tried to give them their own lounge area in a casino no one goes to...that didn't work. Now Darius Rucker is resigned to creating shitty country music (sorry for the redundancy) without enjoying the constant companionship of his fellow fish. It's high time we give them their national day. Plus, how great would it be explaining to other countries that we're celebrating Hootie Day.

Fuck the Economy Day - I've been celebrating this one over and over since getting laid off in January. Trust me, it's fun and merriment for all.

Blithering Idiot Day - One marvels that we haven't already created this day of observance considering that the proposed honorees are the clear majority in this country. If we make this an official holiday, I think it would clear up a lot of confusion. This way, the next time someone talks about "nucular weapons" or uses twenty-seven apostrophes in a sentence that only contains eight words or perhaps calls your home for the 1,034th time at 735am on Saturday because he "just" realized that you qualify for his special debt consolidation program, you'll silently understand...they're just observing Blithering Idiot Day.

Pizza Day - I mean come on...you're telling me that FOOD doesn't deserve its own day? Trees have a fucking day. The flag has a day...it's a piece of colored cloth for Pete's sake (come to think of it, maybe there should be a Pete Day). Some fat bearded guy we made up who lives at the North Pole has his own day. You'd think that a country full of slobbering mammoths like we are would dedicate at least one day to some kind of food. I vote for pizza, with sausage. (Update: the National Organization for Tofu is gathering to defeat my proposition as we speak)

These are just a few ideas I came up with. Of course, other suggestions are welcome. I just feel like we haven't created a good holiday out of thin air since Kwanzaa and Earth Day broke through into the national consciousness. Think of all the new retail sales...people bursting through the store doors to buy their kids an Idiot tree. I think Amazon's already marked them down. Better act fast!