In honor of the useless and completely misguided celebration of Columbus Day, I've decided to create some new holidays to give us more excuses to take off from work, school or whatever other possible productivity might be getting in the way of our slacking off. I mean, I'm all for extra days off, but they should at least have some meaning.
Mr. Columbus, it turns out, really didn't do jack shit...or as they would have said in 15th century Italy, where he was born..."jackiti shitore" (with the little accent thingy above the e). A few reasons why Columbus Day is a farce:
A) My little Italian brother didn't discover anything. To discover, means to find something previously unseen or unknown. Tell me exactly...how in the Santa Maria can you discover someplace when there are ALREADY FUCKING PEOPLE THERE?
B) He never landed in what we now call the United States. He "discovered" the Caribbean. A milestone achievement if you ask the founders of Carnival Cruise Lines, I'm sure.
C) The dude didn't even know what the fuck he was "discovering." Someone shouted "Land, ho!" and the old Chris-a-nator is like, "Oh cool...Asia!" Yeah masterful orienteering skills there, amico. Legend has it that Columbus died before he could sail to his next door neighbor's kids' snow fort and claim to have discovered Antarctica.
D) Sailor Man was responsible for enslaving and murdering MILLIONS of natives in the areas he explored. Kind of convenient when you're claiming to have discovered a new land to have all the people who already lived there be DEAD. This guy was clearly always thinking ahead.
So we're basically celebrating someone being a disoriented, lying, evil douchebag. Yeah that screams national holiday. So, back to my original thought...here are some new holidays I would like to propose:
National Fart Observance Day - Of course millions of guys nationwide already celebrate this...they call it, "Sunday." But we may as well consecrate the tradition of sitting around watching sports, drinking beer and scratching ourselves while we let out our clarion calls of joy and relief. Plus, if we "observe" the occasion on Monday like we ingeniously do with all holidays, we get a deserved extra day off.
Hootie Day - 90's rock pioneers (in the same sense that Columbus was a pioneer) Hootie and the Blowfish just never got their deserved respect. Las Vegas tried to give them their own lounge area in a casino no one goes to...that didn't work. Now Darius Rucker is resigned to creating shitty country music (sorry for the redundancy) without enjoying the constant companionship of his fellow fish. It's high time we give them their national day. Plus, how great would it be explaining to other countries that we're celebrating Hootie Day.
Fuck the Economy Day - I've been celebrating this one over and over since getting laid off in January. Trust me, it's fun and merriment for all.
Blithering Idiot Day - One marvels that we haven't already created this day of observance considering that the proposed honorees are the clear majority in this country. If we make this an official holiday, I think it would clear up a lot of confusion. This way, the next time someone talks about "nucular weapons" or uses twenty-seven apostrophes in a sentence that only contains eight words or perhaps calls your home for the 1,034th time at 735am on Saturday because he "just" realized that you qualify for his special debt consolidation program, you'll silently understand...they're just observing Blithering Idiot Day.
Pizza Day - I mean come on...you're telling me that FOOD doesn't deserve its own day? Trees have a fucking day. The flag has a day...it's a piece of colored cloth for Pete's sake (come to think of it, maybe there should be a Pete Day). Some fat bearded guy we made up who lives at the North Pole has his own day. You'd think that a country full of slobbering mammoths like we are would dedicate at least one day to some kind of food. I vote for pizza, with sausage. (Update: the National Organization for Tofu is gathering to defeat my proposition as we speak)
These are just a few ideas I came up with. Of course, other suggestions are welcome. I just feel like we haven't created a good holiday out of thin air since Kwanzaa and Earth Day broke through into the national consciousness. Think of all the new retail sales...people bursting through the store doors to buy their kids an Idiot tree. I think Amazon's already marked them down. Better act fast!