Friday, December 17, 2010

Job Posting Dictionary

I thought I would do the job searching world a favor, and provide this much needed translation of common terms found in Internet job postings. After having been unemployed for nearly two years, I have read many, and know that if you're not paying close attention, the true meaning of some of these words and phrases might elude folks who expect everything to be literal. So, here it is...Jeremy's Job Posting Dictionary:

Intern = foolish and desperate recent college grad willing to work for nothing
Entry-Level = two to four years experience
Two to four years experience = two to four years experience in this exact type of position, otherwise, go screw yourself
Strong communication skills = you can somehow trick us into actually reading your cover letter and resume
Must be proficient in = second only to God in skill level
Preferred (as in, "MBA preferred" or "fashion industry experience preferred") = you'd better have this, motherfucker
Bachelor's degree required = we will only consider you if the university you attended rhymes with Schmarvard, Schmale, or Schmanford
Self-starter = you will automatically know how to perform every task without any direction - this is especially pertinent when your direct supervisor is busy getting blown by one of the foolish and desperate recent college grads willing to work for nothing
Entrepreneurial spirit = you failed at starting your own successful business, that's why you're applying to work here, loser
Willing to travel = there's a fucking Starbucks every 20 feet, now get me my venti caramel machiatto, you lazy shit
Must possess valid driver's license = if you're not willing to get me my venti caramel machiatto, you can drive your good-for-nothing ass home
Local applicants only = members of the hiring manager's family only
Must have the legal right to work in the U.S. = except if you're a white male, particularly an unattractive one - then, let's be realistic, you have no shot
Ability to respond well under pressure - What's that? You just chucked your laptop across the room?

Then, of course, there is the all-time favorite phrase that comes in the standard rejection form letter:

While we were greatly impressed with your qualifications = PFFFT!

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