The events of the past week aboard a Northwest Airlines flight landing in Detroit have shed light on the shocking speed with which our Homeland Security department springs into action. Far be it from them to be outmaneuvered by some inept Nigerian terrorist - stringent measures were immediately implemented to prevent a more catastrophic event from taking place in our skies.
First, passengers on U.S. flights found that they would not be allowed to hold coats or blankets on their laps for the duration of their trips. This move was based on credible intelligence compiled by our government that substantiates the long-held belief that minutes prior to lighting their shoelaces on fire, nearly every terrorist develops a spontaneous erection. In medical circles, this is known as Abdullah Arousal Syndrome. By preventing passengers from keeping bulky items on their laps, the "warning pointer" as the FAA is referring to it, will be more readily observable, hopefully allowing plane crews to act swiftly in disarming the perpetrators.
Next, air travelers were dismayed to find that they would not be allowed to go to the restroom for the last hour of their flights. In other news: it is suspected that Al Qaeda cells worldwide are currently in a frenzy, desperately trying to rework attack plans that involve assembling bombs an hour and a half before a plane lands. Oh, wait...we're getting word...yes, it's been confirmed by Homeland Security that Al Qaeda has successfully devised a way to assemble bombs an hour and a half before a plane lands. We have a comment from Paul Assnugget, acting chief of Homeland Security, "Dammit!"
And then there is my personal favorite - passengers will not have access to in-flight entertainment during the last hour and a half of their flights. This, after a number of CIA raids of Al Qaeda bases worldwide that uncovered an intricate plot to execute pilots on U.S. bound flights with the aircrafts' DVD copies of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Other heightened security measures allegedly being considered:
Placing any individuals named "Ramzi Al-Kaboom" on the no-fly list.
Isolating suspicious looking or acting individuals from the rest of the security checkpoint lines in all airports worldwide and torturing them using repeated 2-hour long loops of the seat belt fastening instructional video used aboard U.S. aircraft.
More crying babies aboard all U.S.-bound and domestic flights. Intelligence reports suggest that Al Qaeda operatives really hate babies and will be forced to disembark the aircraft before take-off.
Posting those little yellow signs in the rear window of all U.S. aircraft, "Bounty Hunter On Board"
On all U.S.-bound and domestic flights, immediately following the seat belt demonstration, a short video will be played featuring David Letterman's "Top 10 Reasons Not to Blow Up This Aircraft."
Waterboarding the shit out of every Homeland Security employee until they come up with better fucking ideas.
It's also rumored that Doritos is sponsoring a contest for which people can submit their own ideas for new security measures. The winning contestant will be selected by none other than Osama Bin Laden himself, and will immediately be appointed new acting chief of Homeland Security. Bin Laden is expected to release a video with further details shortly.
So rest assured ladies and germs, your safety is in good hands. U.S. Homeland Security is on the case. Next week, we will have a special CIA panel assembled to discuss ways we can better broadcast all of our planned military operations across all the worldwide television news feeds.
Happy New Year!