Job Posting Dictionary

I thought I would do the job searching world a favor, and provide this much needed translation of common terms found in Internet job postings. After having been unemployed for nearly two years, I have read many, and know that if you're not paying close attention, the true meaning of some of these words and phrases might elude folks who expect everything to be literal. So, here it is...Jeremy's Job Posting Dictionary:

Intern = foolish and desperate recent college grad willing to work for nothing
Entry-Level = two to four years experience
Two to four years experience = two to four years experience in this exact type of position, otherwise, go screw yourself
Strong communication skills = you can somehow trick us into actually reading your cover letter and resume
Must be proficient in = second only to God in skill level
Preferred (as in, "MBA preferred" or "fashion industry experience preferred") = you'd better have this, motherfucker
Bachelor's degree required = we will only consider you if the university you attended rhymes with Schmarvard, Schmale, or Schmanford
Self-starter = you will automatically know how to perform every task without any direction - this is especially pertinent when your direct supervisor is busy getting blown by one of the foolish and desperate recent college grads willing to work for nothing
Entrepreneurial spirit = you failed at starting your own successful business, that's why you're applying to work here, loser
Willing to travel = there's a fucking Starbucks every 20 feet, now get me my venti caramel machiatto, you lazy shit
Must possess valid driver's license = if you're not willing to get me my venti caramel machiatto, you can drive your good-for-nothing ass home
Local applicants only = members of the hiring manager's family only
Must have the legal right to work in the U.S. = except if you're a white male, particularly an unattractive one - then, let's be realistic, you have no shot
Ability to respond well under pressure - What's that? You just chucked your laptop across the room?

Then, of course, there is the all-time favorite phrase that comes in the standard rejection form letter:

While we were greatly impressed with your qualifications = PFFFT!

Concert Weekend

I know I said my previous post would be my last from Las Vegas. Well, I lied. This weekend, I attended what will be my last two concerts as a Las Vegas resident, so I decided to do a little recap.


Kip Winger/Warrant - Sunset Station Hotel & Casino: As a child of the 80's, I still enjoy the hair band music...and I'm one of the few who likes a lot of the NEW music from these bands. I'd seen Kip Winger once, and Warrant an inexplicable three times (inexplicable because they were not any good any of those times - they always seem to be packaged with better bands though). I only went to this show because, well, it was free. The last time I saw Warrant was at this same venue, and it was the most bizarre concert performance I've ever witnessed, as original lead singer Jani Lane was absolutely blitzed to the point that he couldn't carry a tune and barely sang any of the words anyway. Got my money back from that one. This time, with a new singer in tow, things were looking up. Let's start with the opening act though. Despite having been relegated to eternal "wuss" status by repeated ridicule from MTV's Beavis & Butthead, Kip Winger is one of the more vocally talented performers from the 80's hard rock scene, and he proved it with this set. It was just him and his acoustic guitar, so that voice was front and center. The Winger tunes sounded really tight, and although he didn't select the songs I liked from his solo sets, overall, it was a great performance. I don't care what anyone says, In the Heart of the Young was one of the rockingest albums of the 80's start to finish. He invited some random dude who volunteered from the audience to come up and sing with him on the hit ballad "Miles Away" from that CD, and Scott, whoever he was, was actually really good and kept up with almost all the harmonies. (Grade - Performance: A, Set List: B, Running Time: A-, Overall: B+)

As for Warrant, all original members, save for the oft-inebriated Lane, are back in the band these days, and I could tell from last time that they sound really good (it was easy to discern considering Lane wasn't even singing). New singer Robert Mason is nothing special, but he was up to the task and sounded fine on all their hits. Finally hearing the songs the way they were meant to be sung made a big difference, and reminded me why Warrant were one of my favorite bands from that era. The whole set, save for one song, was comprised of tunes from their first two albums, which is probably what the majority of the audience wanted, so I can't fault them for that. "Cherry Pie" of course, was the closer, and surprisingly enough, probably the least enjoyable performance. "Uncle Tom's Cabin" from that same album is probably one of my favorite songs of the 80's, hair band or not, so it was awesome to finally hear it done with capable vocals. I actually think that Kip Winger would have done an awesome job filling in as singer, but oh well. (Grade - Performance: B+, Set List: B+, Running Time: B+, Overall: B+)

Don Henley - Red Rock Hotel & Casino: Despite Rolling Stone's inane top whatever lists, Don Henley is one of the best songwriters of all-time. I wish he had put out more solo albums, but such is music industry bureaucracy. This was the 2nd time I decided to break my personal rule of not spending more than $50 for a concert ticket. The first was Bon Jovi a few years ago, and that remains one of the best concert performances I've ever seen. This one was the awesome concert that almost was. Henley himself sounded amazing. I actually found myself questioning throughout the first song, whether or not he was lip synching, because his vocals were that spot on. Like with Bon Jovi, you pretty much can't go wrong with the set list...every song is a hit, and every one is pretty much an incredible tune. Two things ruined the experience for me. First and foremost was the audience. When I say that every single person in the crowd started talking the second they set foot into the pool area, and didn't stop until...well, they didn't stop at all, I'm not exaggerating. I paid $75 (and those were the "cheap" tix) to hear Don Henley sing. Apparently, everyone else paid money to stand around a pool and have a conversation. Since it's not one of those amp-exploding shows where your ears are ringing for 5 days afterward, the perpetual chatter actually detracted a lot from hearing the actual music. It's just mind-boggling. The second thing that ruined the experience for me was Henley's fault. After about the third song, he specifically said, "We're going to cram as many songs in tonight as possible. They're going to kick us out around 11:15, and we're gonna play as many songs as we can." Well, as I knew they would, they bolted from the stage at promptly 10:45, leaving an extra half an hour of potential performance time on the table. Why bother making a statement like that if it has no bearing in reality? That kills the experience for me. Bon Jovi played for nearly 2 1/2 hours, giving the fans every single cent-worth of their money. Henley, with just as large of an arsenal of songs, possibly larger, apparently had somewhere better to be. That having been said, on the sheer merits of the performance and classic songs, the show was enjoyable, but could have been so much more. Check out this set list though:


One of These Nights
Sunset Grill
The Long Run
Everything is Different Now
New York Minute
Boys of Summer
Everybody Wants to Rule the World (Tears for Fears cover)
I Just Don't Give a Damn (George Jones cover)
Heart of the Matter
Witchy Woman
The End of The Innocence
It Don't Matter to the Sun (Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines cover)
Last Worthless Evening
All She Wants to Do is Dance
Life in the Fast Lane
ENCORE:
Hotel California
Desperado

A couple notes about the set (not the exact order, but pretty close). Many Eagles songs were missing, but mostly because they were not Henley tunes. The Eagles had 4 other guys who contributed lead vocals through the years, so it was understandable that Henley would choose "his" songs over the others. Unfortunately, many of my favorite Eagles songs were sung by Glenn Frey. With the extra half hour Henley could have used, he might have included "Get Over It" from their 1994 "comeback" album, Hell Freezes Over, anything from Henley's most recent solo effort, Inside Job (from which "Everything is Different Now" was oddly selected over the hit single "Taking You Home"), or one of several strong tunes from the 2007 Eagles CD, Long Road Out of Eden. The Tears for Fears cover was a great choice...something that everyone knew and that was perfectly suited for Henley's voice. I had no real opinion on the George Jones song, but the totally out-of-left-field choice of "It Don't Matter to the Sun" was a great addition to the set. I'd never heard the song before. It came from Garth Brooks' oddball turn as Chris Gaines, an alter ego he dreamt up in order to put out a pop/rock album in 1999. Henley made the song sound like a classic ballad and hit it out of the park. I can't find any trace of the original, although the three Gaines songs that are on Youtube are positively awful. "Last Worthless Evening" is one of my favorite songs...ever, so I'm happy he didn't leave that one off. However, I must say, if I never heard "Hotel California" ever again, my life would not be any worse off. The predictable encore of that and "Desperado" (which I was shocked to discover was never a charting single for The Eagles), really didn't get my juices flowing for the big finale. (Grade - Performance: A+, Set List: B+, Running Time: C, Overall: B+)

I've already been checking out the concert scene in NYC for when I arrive back home. So many great choices, I can't even decide which ones I'm going to attend.

Furry Toilets

There's something that's been bothering me for my entire life, so I thought I'd take now as an opportunity to get it off my chest. OK, well not my entire life. I wasn't really concerned about it when I was two years old. Actually, I guess I wasn't really concerned about it even last week. But, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that it's been on my mind for "a while."

Furry toilets. More specifically, why do they exist? You know what I'm talking about. Those ridiculous looking toilet seat-back covers that many people insist on using to "enhance" the decor of their bathrooms. These things honestly look like someone was carpeting their home, ended up with some carpet scraps, and said, "Hmmm...what should I do with this? Hey! I know! I'll make a furry hat for my toilet."

There is no conceivable purpose for putting carpet on the back of your toilet seat. Are you anticipating a day when you will be barefoot and walking on top of your toilet, and you're afraid that the bare back of the toilet seat will not play nice with the sensitive underside of your feet? Do you want to ensure comfort just in case there comes a time when you are entrenched in a heated game of Yahtzee in the bathroom, and in need of a comfortable place to sit? (And where exactly will the other players be, in the bathtub? Great, now we need more carpet scraps.) Or perhaps, you want to provide insulation so your neighbors below (in the toilet?) will not be disturbed by your constant pacing around that 180-square-inch area.

And what exactly is the protocol for cleaning and maintaining the colorful, furry appearance of your porcelain soldier's ushanka? When you vacuum the rest of your house, are you supposed to tend to the dust mites on your toilet top as well? If you have your carpets steam cleaned, do you make a special request that Mr. Steam Cleaner Man include the toilet hats?

I just can't understand what the thought process is that results in someone saying, yes...toilet-carpet-makes sense. I don't know much about interior decorating. OK, I know NOTHING about interior decorating. But I know that, much like the facts that dogs should not wear sweaters, toilets should not wear hats. Nobody should ever have a furry toilet.

Take a Walk

A revolutionary new concept in public travel has emerged: it's called "walking." Walking, according to the article at Wikipedia (you know a concept is highly complex when it requires a Wiki entry to explain it to the masses), is one of the main "gaits of locomotion among legged animals." It is accomplished by lifting one leg off the ground, swinging it forward from the hip, placing it on the ground in front of you, and then repeating the same motion with the other leg. If you keep doing this over and over again, you will find you are able to relocate yourself from here (your current position) to over there (your intended destination). And I, inevitably stuck behind your once motionless ass, will subsequently also be able to get over there. It's ingenious, really. No longer will you be confined to one place. You are now free to roam and explore foreign areas such as that corner, the end of the hallway, and the until now only mythical "other room." Yes, it is a strange and unfamiliar world we live in with iPads, Blackberries, Wi-Fi, and now walking. From the neurons and synapses that brought you sitting, kneeling, and rolling over, comes a remarkable new activity that is sure to provide you with hours of enjoyment. Just think, now, when the person behind you screams at you in frustration to, "Move the fuck out of the way, you moron!" you will actually know what to to do in order to comply with his or her polite request. Feel free to refer back to the Wikipedia article or any number of other helpful online sources if you have trouble remembering the correct sequence of motions (you can view this article by clicking on the title of this blog entry). Hell, now that we have all these handheld techno-geeky gadgets, the instructions will always be at your fingertips. Once you feel that you have mastered the art of walking, you may be ready to up the ante. Increasing the speed at which you ambulate your legs in the above-described forward motion will eventually result in a highly advanced and much more technical form of walking...RUNNING. I stress, this is not for beginners. Little is known about the benefits and drawbacks of running. However, one thing is clear. This activity will come in quite handy when I am behind you and struck with the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to smack you upside the head.

Thursday, I'm in Love?

No people, this post has nothing to do with love, so scrape yourselves back off the ceiling. The title is just a riff on the old song by The Cure. In other news:

Dear Thursday, Why did you suck so? Were you jealous of how much Mondays suck so you decided to up the ante? Were you just trying to make Friday seem THAT much awesomer in comparison? Or were you just mad that you're pretty much the only day that does not have its own identity? (Think about it - Mondays suck, new CD's come out on Tuesdays, Wednesday is Hump Day, Fridays are Fridays, Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting, and God rested on Sunday.) No matter your reasoning, I tell you, your suckfulness was completely unwarranted and unwelcomed. Kind of like that old, fat chick on the beach in the string bikini (my apologies to old, fat chicks). In any case, I am fully expecting Friday to kick your everloving ass.

Love,

Jeremy

P.S. No, my day did not really suck THAT much...it's hyperbole, folks. Would it have been as funny if I started out by saying, "Dear Thursday, Why were you mildly annoying?"

Paul Blart: Al Qaeda Operative?

The events of the past week aboard a Northwest Airlines flight landing in Detroit have shed light on the shocking speed with which our Homeland Security department springs into action. Far be it from them to be outmaneuvered by some inept Nigerian terrorist - stringent measures were immediately implemented to prevent a more catastrophic event from taking place in our skies.

First, passengers on U.S. flights found that they would not be allowed to hold coats or blankets on their laps for the duration of their trips. This move was based on credible intelligence compiled by our government that substantiates the long-held belief that minutes prior to lighting their shoelaces on fire, nearly every terrorist develops a spontaneous erection. In medical circles, this is known as Abdullah Arousal Syndrome. By preventing passengers from keeping bulky items on their laps, the "warning pointer" as the FAA is referring to it, will be more readily observable, hopefully allowing plane crews to act swiftly in disarming the perpetrators.

Next, air travelers were dismayed to find that they would not be allowed to go to the restroom for the last hour of their flights. In other news: it is suspected that Al Qaeda cells worldwide are currently in a frenzy, desperately trying to rework attack plans that involve assembling bombs an hour and a half before a plane lands. Oh, wait...we're getting word...yes, it's been confirmed by Homeland Security that Al Qaeda has successfully devised a way to assemble bombs an hour and a half before a plane lands. We have a comment from Paul Assnugget, acting chief of Homeland Security, "Dammit!"

And then there is my personal favorite - passengers will not have access to in-flight entertainment during the last hour and a half of their flights. This, after a number of CIA raids of Al Qaeda bases worldwide that uncovered an intricate plot to execute pilots on U.S. bound flights with the aircrafts' DVD copies of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Other heightened security measures allegedly being considered:

Placing any individuals named "Ramzi Al-Kaboom" on the no-fly list.

Isolating suspicious looking or acting individuals from the rest of the security checkpoint lines in all airports worldwide and torturing them using repeated 2-hour long loops of the seat belt fastening instructional video used aboard U.S. aircraft.

More crying babies aboard all U.S.-bound and domestic flights. Intelligence reports suggest that Al Qaeda operatives really hate babies and will be forced to disembark the aircraft before take-off.

Posting those little yellow signs in the rear window of all U.S. aircraft, "Bounty Hunter On Board"

On all U.S.-bound and domestic flights, immediately following the seat belt demonstration, a short video will be played featuring David Letterman's "Top 10 Reasons Not to Blow Up This Aircraft."

Waterboarding the shit out of every Homeland Security employee until they come up with better fucking ideas.

It's also rumored that Doritos is sponsoring a contest for which people can submit their own ideas for new security measures. The winning contestant will be selected by none other than Osama Bin Laden himself, and will immediately be appointed new acting chief of Homeland Security. Bin Laden is expected to release a video with further details shortly.


So rest assured ladies and germs, your safety is in good hands. U.S. Homeland Security is on the case. Next week, we will have a special CIA panel assembled to discuss ways we can better broadcast all of our planned military operations across all the worldwide television news feeds.

Happy New Year!

Some New Holidays

In honor of the useless and completely misguided celebration of Columbus Day, I've decided to create some new holidays to give us more excuses to take off from work, school or whatever other possible productivity might be getting in the way of our slacking off. I mean, I'm all for extra days off, but they should at least have some meaning.

Mr. Columbus, it turns out, really didn't do jack shit...or as they would have said in 15th century Italy, where he was born..."jackiti shitore" (with the little accent thingy above the e). A few reasons why Columbus Day is a farce:

A) My little Italian brother didn't discover anything. To discover, means to find something previously unseen or unknown. Tell me exactly...how in the Santa Maria can you discover someplace when there are ALREADY FUCKING PEOPLE THERE?
B) He never landed in what we now call the United States. He "discovered" the Caribbean. A milestone achievement if you ask the founders of Carnival Cruise Lines, I'm sure.
C) The dude didn't even know what the fuck he was "discovering." Someone shouted "Land, ho!" and the old Chris-a-nator is like, "Oh cool...Asia!" Yeah masterful orienteering skills there, amico. Legend has it that Columbus died before he could sail to his next door neighbor's kids' snow fort and claim to have discovered Antarctica.
D) Sailor Man was responsible for enslaving and murdering MILLIONS of natives in the areas he explored. Kind of convenient when you're claiming to have discovered a new land to have all the people who already lived there be DEAD. This guy was clearly always thinking ahead.

So we're basically celebrating someone being a disoriented, lying, evil douchebag. Yeah that screams national holiday. So, back to my original thought...here are some new holidays I would like to propose:

National Fart Observance Day - Of course millions of guys nationwide already celebrate this...they call it, "Sunday." But we may as well consecrate the tradition of sitting around watching sports, drinking beer and scratching ourselves while we let out our clarion calls of joy and relief. Plus, if we "observe" the occasion on Monday like we ingeniously do with all holidays, we get a deserved extra day off.

Hootie Day - 90's rock pioneers (in the same sense that Columbus was a pioneer) Hootie and the Blowfish just never got their deserved respect. Las Vegas tried to give them their own lounge area in a casino no one goes to...that didn't work. Now Darius Rucker is resigned to creating shitty country music (sorry for the redundancy) without enjoying the constant companionship of his fellow fish. It's high time we give them their national day. Plus, how great would it be explaining to other countries that we're celebrating Hootie Day.

Fuck the Economy Day - I've been celebrating this one over and over since getting laid off in January. Trust me, it's fun and merriment for all.

Blithering Idiot Day - One marvels that we haven't already created this day of observance considering that the proposed honorees are the clear majority in this country. If we make this an official holiday, I think it would clear up a lot of confusion. This way, the next time someone talks about "nucular weapons" or uses twenty-seven apostrophes in a sentence that only contains eight words or perhaps calls your home for the 1,034th time at 735am on Saturday because he "just" realized that you qualify for his special debt consolidation program, you'll silently understand...they're just observing Blithering Idiot Day.

Pizza Day - I mean come on...you're telling me that FOOD doesn't deserve its own day? Trees have a fucking day. The flag has a day...it's a piece of colored cloth for Pete's sake (come to think of it, maybe there should be a Pete Day). Some fat bearded guy we made up who lives at the North Pole has his own day. You'd think that a country full of slobbering mammoths like we are would dedicate at least one day to some kind of food. I vote for pizza, with sausage. (Update: the National Organization for Tofu is gathering to defeat my proposition as we speak)

These are just a few ideas I came up with. Of course, other suggestions are welcome. I just feel like we haven't created a good holiday out of thin air since Kwanzaa and Earth Day broke through into the national consciousness. Think of all the new retail sales...people bursting through the store doors to buy their kids an Idiot tree. I think Amazon's already marked them down. Better act fast!

Dating Schmating

You know what I love? The online dating and relationship advice that you can find out there (particularly on MSN). It's quite entertaining. Of course, it's usually a steaming pile of horsepucky, but has comedic value nonetheless. The latest article was an MSN link to something on Oprah.com...some matchmaking "expert" who has a reality show on A&E. Guess what people? There is no such thing as a matchmaking or dating expert. Typically, if you are an expert in something, it means that you have a ton of experience in that area. Well, if you have a lot of experience dating a wide variety of people, I really don't want to follow your advice, because I'm looking to just date ONE person. If you're lucky and you met your soulmate, then that's great, but you're exactly that...LUCKY. There are 7 billion people in the world - 3 hundred million here in the U.S. - you think that you know something the rest of us don't just because you met somebody special? It's like all the financial "experts" you see on cable news shows. Did any of them tell us about the giant shitcloud that was gonna burst all over our economy? No. Have many of them made successful stock picks throughout their careers? Sure. In dating, as with finance, people will dispense advice. And often, it may even be good advice. So I'm not saying to dismiss what people say, but you should take it with a grain of salt.

Dating misconception #1: You need to be confident when you go on a first date. Sorry folks, but this is a load of hippo dung. Do you know ANYBODY who is confident on a first date? Anyone who tells you that they are is lying. Confidence, like trust, is something that has to build over time. If you have a perpetual confidence problem, then that could be an issue. But if I hear the phrase, "Women love a guy who's confident" one more time, I'm seriously going to jump off a cliff. Confidence is a function of the other person's actions. If a woman agrees to a 2nd date with me, then guess what, my confidence level goes up. If she stops taking my calls or replying to emails, then I am not going to be confident. That's human nature folks.

Dating misconception #2: Men are more obsessed with looks and superficial things than women. Most people will likely disagree with me on this one, but I am speaking based on my personal observations as a guy who a) Does not look like a movie star, b) Can't fix stuff, c) Doesn't know crap about cars, and d) Is not rich. The first misleading thing here is mistaking obsession with SEX for obsession with other superficial things. Yes, I believe that men are more obsessed with sex and the quest for getting laid. There are likely a lot more males who are playing the field solely for that purpose. However, if you took only the cross-section of people who are specifically looking for a serious relationship, I believe you would find that more women are looking for a guy who is "hot" or possesses other superficial traits than vice versa. The second misleading thing here is that women will not answer a poll question saying that they are looking for a guy who is hot. No, they say they're looking for a guy with a great sense of humor, one who is close to his family, one who is smart...blah blah blah. If one more woman lists "sense of humor" as the #1 thing they're looking for in a guy, I am going to lock myself in a rubber room and put John Denver's Greatest Hits on infinite repeat. Who do we think got more attention from women in their lifetime, Buddy Hackett or Justin Timberlake? The key is not in what women SAY they're looking for, it's what they actually DO when pursuing men. They go after they guys they think are hot. Sorry, but this is the way it is. I can't speak for all men of course, but I know that I try to give a girl a chance even if I am not immediately attracted to her. Of course, physical chemistry is important. We all know that. But sometimes it's borderline. And in those cases, I think you should give the other person at least a 2nd date.

Dating misconception #3: Women can tell within 5 minutes whether they like a guy. Again, a big load. Look, we all mess up on dates. Sometimes we're nervous. Maybe we're having a bad day or are distracted for some reason. The same way that you might watch one episode of a TV show and think it sucks. Well maybe you just caught the wrong one. If you watch next week, you might be pleasantly surprised! If either the man or the woman wants to find a special person, I highly suggest that they not write the other off after one encounter...unless something truly alarming occurs. If someone is outright rude, if someone talks only about themselves and shows no interest in you, if someone seems like a total idiot...these are some acceptable reasons for not calling the person back after the 1st date. Things like "he didn't make eye contact" or "he was late" or "the chemistry just wasn't there" are not good gauges on a first date. Those things might be different next time.

Dating misconception #4: This one bears repeating...that there is such a thing as a dating/relationship expert. The dating experience is vastly different for each person It's a giant crapshoot out there. Sure there are things we can all do to improve ourselves, but for the most part, it's simply incredibly difficult for two completely compatible people to cross paths. Remember - 7 billion people in the world - which leads to the final dating misconception...

Dating misconception #5: It will happen when you least expect it. Remember what I said before about John Denver? Add Yoko Ono to the mix if I hear this one again. Simply put...NO! It will NOT happen when you least expect it. As I tell people, I've BEEN least expecting it for the past 17 years. So what? The truth is, finding your one soulmate out of the 7 billion-person haystack of life is really hard! It has absolutely nothing to do with your expectations or your confidence. It has a lot to do with circumstance, luck, and the willingness of other people to give you a chance. This, in no way, absolves you of the responsibility for not being a total dillhole. But it does mean that a lot of it is out of the control of you and all your experts.

Automated phone systems

One of our favorite activities has to be calling a company's customer service line and wading through the ever-helpful automated phone touch-tone system. Let's examine why we so enjoy participating in this ubiquitous corporate cluster-shtoop:

Upon determining what our problem is and what questions we need answered, we dial 1-800-SCREW-ME or whatever cutesy vanity number the corporation in question has chosen. A couple of exceptions would be ITunes and EBay, which have shrouded their customer "service" departments in such secrecy, that not even the CIA could uncover a working phone number to either of these upstanding entities. Maybe a blessing in disguise?

The first thing we encounter along our telephonic journey is an unusually well-spoken voice, likely resembling that of Donald Sutherland, informing us that we have a choice of listening to options in English or Spanish. So far, reasonable and pretty clear-cut.

Next, Donald informs us that we are about to hear approximately 572 options, and that we can slit our wrists at any time during this call. I know what you're all thinking at this point - I'll just press the appropriate number as soon as I hear the option that best fits my situation. Just hold the phone a minute (pardon that really lame pun)...this is where Donald so helpfully admonishes us that we must listen carefully to ALL of the options, as some may have recently changed. Is there an automated phone system in the known universe that does not feature options that have recently changed? When exactly are these companies going to solidify all of their customer service options and leave the damn phone system as-is? Is there one person in each company whose job it is to review all 572 options every single day and randomly change those which seem not to fit any longer?

Once you have finally ascertained the appropriate option and excitedly punched the corresponding number (or series of numbers if your option is #512), father Sutherland comes back on the line to instruct you further. It's at this point that you are required to enter approximately 5,000 different pieces of personal information...of course so the evasive customer service representative can "better assist you." So, naturally, you must enter your phone number, social security number, numbers corresponding to your mother's maiden name, company account number, current home address, date of birth, and so on. You may even be asked to go down to the local Kinko's and fax a copy of your pet dog's latest immunization records. If you don't have a pet dog, you may have to stop at a pet store...don't worry, it's usually in the same shopping center as Kinko's. But then of course, you need to find a veterinarian's office nearby to get the pesky little thing immunized.

Once you've returned home with Rover, you pick up the phone again and press the # button to continue. This is when Donald informs you that you should remain on the line as all of the customer service representatives are currently assisting other callers. Sure they are. They're not on Facebook or in the midst of a heated online poker game. This message will also be repeated around 789 times just in case you've forgotten how busy everyone is. Rest assured, your call is VERY important to them. In fact, everything is fine, because Donald knows approximately how long your estimated wait time will be. How accurate are these estimations? Let's just say that if this were that mountain climber game on The Price is Right, that little bugger would go sailing over that cliff faster than you can blink your eyes. My estimated wait time is FIVE MINUTES? Right. Is that in dog years? Maybe that's why they needed to verify that you, in fact, have a pet dog, so you'll have a full understanding of the situation.

You may be frustrated by now, but it's OK. The corporate entity that is neither ITunes nor EBay has carefully selected a pleasant musical arrangement to entertain you while you wait. It's likely "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, as interpreted by the National Pan Flute Orchestra of Myanmar, with accompaniment by Yanni. This is, of course, my favorite version of this song.

OK, so after being on hold for several days and having meticulously mapped out a Yanni assassination plot, you finally hear a joyous ringing, shortly followed by an actual human voice! "Hello, this is Xdugxzrlm, how can I assist you today?" Your excitement is quickly tempered by the realization that this person is not from your country, or even your planet, but is actually calling from a telephone control center located in the distant galaxy of Voltoon. No problem, you simply whip out your Voltoonese-to-English dictionary and follow along, all the while wondering why Donald couldn't just stay on the line and help you. It's now that Xdugxzrlm asks you to repeat all the personal information that you had previously entered into the automated system. (What does a fax to Voltoon cost, you wonder.) OK...back from Kinko's again. Now, if you've somehow angered God recently, comes the part where you may be inclined to slit your wrists, if you've made it this far. Xdugxzrlm sincerely wants to help you, but he(?) regretfully informs you that, as he is in the Completely Useless and Helpless Department, he will not be able to sufficiently resolve your particular problem. This of course, falls under the jurisdiction of the Giant Vacuum of Nonexistence Department, to which Xdugxzrlm will so helpfully transfer you. Yes, the DREADED transfer. We all know where these phone calls then go. But wait, Xdugxzrlm is on the ball today! He(?) astutely thinks to give you the direct line to the GVN Dept., just "in case" you get disconnected. Nevermind the fact that this number consists of only 5 digits, some of which you may not recognize from any alpha-numeric system on Earth.

Next: "CLICK." Two seconds later, your phone spontaneously combusts. But no worries, as you can take comfort in knowing that you've by now likely forgotten all about the fact that your most recent ITunes purchase did not download correctly. So that's one problem you won't have to tackle today.

Moral of the story: Thank God we don't have those stupid rotary dial phones any more!

The A-Hole Gene

Another biological mystery for our world's most accomplished scientists and researchers to unravel. If they can decode the human genome, maybe they can determine what causes people to be A-Holes. I feel lucky not to have been cursed with the gene that causes this affliction. Unfortunately, this is an insidious disease that wreaks havoc on others' lives.

Say, for instance, you are a tenant living in a house owned by someone else. Say that you have paid your rent on time for 3+ years, kept the place in great condition and generally have caused no headaches for your landlord. Then, without warning, the A-Hole gene kicks in. You fall behind on rent by almost two months. Then, after several months of your landlord trying to work with you, you decide to break your lease and move back to A-Hole-ville...I mean, California. You give your landlord 5 days notice, and set a day/time for him to come and inspect the condition of the house and collect keys/garage remotes/back rent from you. And finally, to cap off months of A-Holity, you bolt before the arranged meeting time, leaving the house in precarious condition, taking the keys (to the locks on the doors, which you had changed without informing the landlord, who is now locked out of his own f-ing house), garage remotes and money with you.

Do everyone a favor please, and donate your body to science so we can isolate this malicious gene and spare future mankind a lot of heartache.

The mail must go through...or not

So you've probably heard about the pending request by the U.S. Postal Service to cut Saturday delivery from their schedule in order to stop the financial bleeding they've been experiencing. According to reports, mail volume fell by 9 billion pieces in 2008 as compared to 2007. Those same reports are punctuated by the added reminder that the postage rates will again increase this May.

My suggestion is not to cut back a day on delivery, but to have everyone in the Federal government take an introductory-level course on Economics. There they will learn about this amazing new concept called "supply and demand." The price of a stamp continues to go up every year, while the demand for the USPS services continues to drop precipitously with the proliferation of e-mail, online greeting cards and online billing and banking. I propose we cut the rate back down to $.38 and see what happens. Pure genius.

Good riddance

Keeping this pithy...2009 can not get here fast enough. Good riddance, 2008!

Deaf Jaguar

No, I'm not starting a cheesily-named tribute band to pay homage to my favorite rockers of all time. I'm literally hoping that jaguars can't hear. Because if they can, they might be as irritated as I am that suddenly people can't seem to pronounce their names correctly.

As with the previously blogged about acronym debacle, this is a new development in the butchering of the English language - or at least one I hadn't noticed until now. Over the past year, I've noticed that a lot of people are referring to the spotted cat (or the luxury car brand name) as a jag-WIRE. Do you see the letter "I" anywhere in this word?

The ultimate offense occurred when I heard a radio commerical for a local Jaguar dealership, and the narrator made the above-mentioned gaff. Granted, it sounded like it was just one of those live reads by the station talent and not a professionally produced spot, but still - how embarassing for the dealership that their own advertisement doesn't even know how to pronounce what it's supposed to be selling. That's assuming that the folks at the dealership even know the correct pronunciation.

Score another one for the English-speaking public.

Free Shit

Trent Reznor is making the entire new Nine Inch Nails album available for free download on their Web site, www.nin.com, thanking the fans for continued support over the years - a noble gesture for sure.

One listen, and it's not hard to tell why it's free. Thanks Trent.

In other news, I'm going to skin a coyote alive, record its gutteral screams and make the MP3 available on this blog. No, don't worry about the royalties...this one is on me.

Acronyms and Coffee

OK, so what's the common thread in the title of this post? The Final Jeopardy category is, "Things That Are Annoying Me at the Moment."

The "answer" is - Jeremy is annoyed by people who don't know THIS.

The correct Jeopardy response would be, "What is...what is the definition of an acronym and also that you're supposed to ask someone before refilling their coffee cup?"

Give yourself $10,000 if you had the correct response written down.

To clarify...I've been noticing A LOT lately, that no freakin body knows what an acronym is. Even people I consider to be extremely intelligent regarding grammar don't know. Let me enlighten you (and by "you" I mean the zero people who read this blog). "FBI" is not an acronym. "NYPD" is not an acronym. HTML is not an acronym. These are ABBREVIATIONS, people! An acronym is an abbreviation formed by intials that is regularly pronounced as a word. Auto Immune Deficiency Syndrome forms the acronym, AIDS. Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus forms SCUBA. These are acronyms.

Now, the coffee thing. Let it be said that I am not much of a coffee drinker. That is to say, I am not eagerly anticipating the day when Starbucks is commercially available for dispensation via a personal IV drip. I drink it once in a while...and never at home. So it is usually a waiter or waitress who is bringing said coffee to me. These service people seem to think that the onus is upon them to follow up my initial cup with enough of the caffeinated drink to drown all of Columbia. Here's a tip...if there is still brown liquid in my cup, do not pour any more into it. If I have not asked you for a refill, do not pour any more into my cup. And under no circumstances should you transform yourself into a coffee-serving ninja who can pour coffee into my cup from 20 yards away without me ever knowing you're there. I rarely drink more than one cup of coffee at a time, and when you pour additional coffee into my cup, it ruins the meticulously calculated ratio of liquid to sugar that I had perfected.

And while we're at it, if I order dessert and coffee, this means that I desire to enjoy these treats TOGETHER. Do not bring my coffee 15 minutes prior to the dessert, as it will be ice cold by the time my final course arrives.

That folks...are the things that are annoying me right now.

--J

We Feel Your Pain

So Philadelphia Phillies All-Star left-hander, Cole Hamels is the latest young MLB whippersnapper to whine and bitch about the "measly" salary he's been granted. I just have one reaction to this...blow me. Cole, if that's getting too technical for you, I'll type slower so you can understand. I make about $450,000 a year less than you do, and I guarantee I work harder for it...at least mentally. You play a freakin' game for a living bro. If $500,000 is considered a "low blow" in any occupational field, then this country must be in a lot better shape than we've all been led to believe. I guess there are no people out there struggling to find work, living from paycheck to paycheck, being oppressed by society from birth...must be a vast right-wing conspiracy to make us believe all this is really going on. But all praise Cole Hamels for showing us the light. Maybe we should just disqualify Obama, Clinton and McCain and anoint Lord Hamels to lead us through to Utopia. Just please...nobody tell him that the President only makes $400,000.

Mush!

So Iditarod participant Lance Mackey repeated as champion of the iconic Alaskan sled dog race by outwitting his opponent and duping him into believing he was sleeping for longer than he really was. I guess his trick worked on me too because...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz